Humour

Questions and Answers from the Retired

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday.

Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors? 
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: Nuts!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday to Friday – Nothing. Saturday and Sunday, I rest!

– author unknown
– contributed by Betty

eQuilter.com

eQuilter.com is a good online source of quilt fabrics. I have enjoyed shopping there. When you visit, you’ll see a huge choice of fabrics to choose from and one special thing of note – they donate 2% of all sales to the buyer’s choice of charities from their selected list.

Visitors to the site will enjoy the 20 or more short videos on quilt techniques and other quilt-related topics.

StrataVarious Quilts by Barbara Persing and Mary Hoover

StrataVarious Quilts

StrataVarious Quilts

This book’s name is a cute one. It is based on creating strata – panels of fabric strips sewn together, then used to piece blocks. Look for it at your local quilt shop and on Amazon.

Jelly Roll Quilts by Pam & Nicky Lintott

jelly-roll-quilts

This looks like a good book for using the jelly rolls you have collected and been planning to use.

It includes 17 projects, has a soft cover, and colour photos. Pam Lintott owns The Quilt Room, a quilt shop in the UK. The book can be bought through her website or through Amazon.

Elaine Phillips – Quilt Tester & Friend

Jerry & Elaine Phillips

Jerry & Elaine Phillips

I live in Coral Springs, Florida. We have two girls, six grandchildren, one great-grandchild and another on the way. I have been quilting for about 20 years now and I still call myself a beginner because I am always learning something new. I tried learning quilting on my own but for me it was too frustrating so I started taking classes for machine quilting and fell in love with it. I still take classes when I find something new to learn. I do not hand quilt because I like to finish my project right away. Besides quilting I like to knit, crochet, needle felt and read.

Here are some of the beautiful quilts Elaine has made:

Geometry in Motion by Maria Michaels Designs

Geometry in Motion by Maria Michaels Designs


This pattern will soon be available and announced here.

Freedom

Freedom

The missing designers of Elaine’s quilts will soon be added.

Gigi

Gigi

Mystery Wheel

Mystery Wheel

Soaring Compliments by Caryl Bryer Fallert

Soaring Compliments by Caryl Bryer Fallert

Visit Caryl’s website to see more of her spectacular patterns.

Soaring Compliments by Caryl Bryer Fallert - A Close-Up

Soaring Compliments by Caryl Bryer Fallert - A Close-Up

Tanya Wheatley – Quilt Tester & Friend

My name is Tanya Wheatley. I am a blind quilter, but I do not let that stop me. I have been quilting for about six years and love it. I have trouble with patterns because of the fact that I can’t see, so I usually end up creating my own designs or having someone describe them for me.

I am working with Maria to make her patterns visually impaired accessible and she is wonderful for working with me on this!

I live in Louisville, Kentucky with my wonderful husband, whom I married in 2000! I also enjoy doing loom knitting and playing on the Internet!

Book Review: Simply Stunning Woven Quilts by Anna Faustino

simply_stunning_woven_quilt
Do you remember cutting and weaving strips of coloured construction paper together to make designs or little baskets and such when you were in elementary school? Anna has very cleverly and imaginatively taken that idea and transferred it to fabric. She uses her method in two ways – to create complete or partial backgrounds and to create wonderful geometric designs. Her quilts are absolutely stunning! Be sure to visit her website to see her work.

Anna’s book includes step by step directions accompanied by colour photos and illustrations. With her woven backgrounds, there is no worrying about matching seams, corners or points. There are photos and cutting diagrams for making 26 quilts and an attached, full-sized, pattern page. You can make some or all of them and then go on to make your own creations. Anna’s book will create a whole new world of quilting for you!

This book was a finalist in the National Best Books 2008 Awards Crafts/Hobbies/How-To category!

Simply Stunning Woven Quilts can be purchased through Amazon where you can take a peek inside the book.

Pages:72 
ISBN: 978-1571204523
Cover: Soft
Publisher: C&T Publishing

Book Review: Cotton Theory® Quilting 2 by Betty Cotton

Cotton Theory® Quilting 2 by Betty Cotton

Cotton Theory® Quilting 2 by Betty Cotton


Long time readers will remember my feature on Betty Cotton and review of her book, Cotton Theory® Quilting. Everything I wrote about the first book applies to this second one as well so long time readers may want to look it up again, too.

To quote my first review:: “With Betty’s book and her Cotton Theory® Quilting technique, quilters no longer need fear struggling to make large quilts. Now they can not only look forward to them, they can take great pleasure in making them and have fun, too!”

Betty has now published Cotton Theory® Quilting 2! This one includes complete instructions for 14 attractive quilt projects. Her Quilt First-Then Assemble™ techniques enable us to machine quilt our layered blocks individually and then assemble them to complete our quilts. The lovely thing is that this quilt as we go method means we do not have to struggle with large bed quilts using our small, home sewing machines. We never have to squish up our quilts and manipulate them to machine quilt their centers. We are always working on the edge of the quilt with the complete bulk to the left! What a relief that is! In fact, before reading Betty’s books I had given up on making large, bed-sized quilts. Now I have no qualms about planning them at all!

Kelly's Secret Garden

Kelly's Secret Garden


My favourite thing about this book is that we can make traditional blocks using the Cotton Theory® Quilting method and most especially that we can use this method to complete our UFOs. In fact, I used it to finish my quilt on the left, Kelly’s Green Garden – a quilt that might otherwise been made into four smaller projects.

I can’t tell you how delighted I was to learn Betty’s methods and be able to complete this quilt especially as it was intended my niece, Kelly. When I saw the quilt’s name, I knew it had to be made for her! It is shown here spread over our sofa because it was too large for me to hang anywhere inside.

Before reading Betty’s book, I had the top completed in four sections. Having recently struggled with two large 80 x 80 inch quilts, I did not want to battle another so those four sections – another 80 x 80 inch quilt – sat for years waiting to be made. Thanks to Betty, it went together very easily and quickly and I was delighted to finally have it done and presented. Now I look forward to making large quilts again! I highly recommend this book to all quilters experiencing the same issues!

Note: This pattern appeared in a book I owned many years ago. Unfortunately, I no longer have it and cannot recall the two designers’ names. If you happen to know them or the book title, please email me at info at mariamichaelsdesigns.com.

You can buy the book from Betty’s website or order it from Amazon.

Pages:168 
ISBN: 978-0-9772611-1-6
Cover: Soft
Publisher: Cotton Theory LLC

Chemical Warning

A recent study indicated that fabric gives off certain Pheromones that actually hypnotize women and cause them to purchase unreasonable amounts. When stored in large quantities in enclosed spaces, the pheromones (in the fabric) causes memory loss and induce the nesting syndrome (similar to the one squirrels have before the onset of winter i.e. storing food), thereby perperpetuating their species and not having a population loss due to their kind being cut into pieces and mixed with others.

Sound tests have also revealed that these fabrics emit a very high pitched sound, heard only by a select few, a breed of women know as “quilters”. When played backwards on an LP, the sounds are heard as chants, “buy me, cut me, and sew me.” In order to overcome the so called “feeding frenzy effect” that these fabrics cause, one must wear a face mask when entering a storage facility and use ear plugs to avoid being pulled into their grip. One must laugh, however, at the sight of customers in a quilt fabric store, with WWII army gas masks and headphones!

Studies have also indicated that aliens have inhabited the earth, helping to spread the effects that these fabrics have on the human population. They are called Quilt Fabric Store Clerks.

It’s also been experienced that these same pheromones cause a pathological need to hide these fabric purchases when taken home (or at least to blend them into the existing stash) and when asked by a significant other if the fabric is new, the reply is, “I’ve had it for awhile.”

– With Permission
– Author: Kathy Harris, President of the Tucson Quilters Guild

Book Review: Magic Quilts by the Slice

Magic Quilts by the Slice by Bethany S. Reynolds

Magic Quilts by the Slice by Bethany S. Reynolds

Most quilters are familiar with Bethany Reynold’s Magic Stack-n-Whack® technique and have thoroughly enjoyed making quilts with this method. Bethany takes it further with this book.

There are 15 projects included, all of which use wedges to create both traditional and contemporary fan blocks. Large step-by-step photographs both guide quilters and inspire them. Wedge template patterns are included so we can either make our own or purchase them from Bethany’s website. Directions are complete and easy to understand and follow.

Pages: 144
Cover: Soft
ISBN: 1-57432-820-4
Publisher: American Quilter’s Society